[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
How funny!
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.