*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Did…did a minotaur write this
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.