[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.