picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
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My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.