*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.


Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3


I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens


Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*


Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.


I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it


If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.


PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.


Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.