*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
me after drinking all the wine:
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
When you kidnap a writer.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”