[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Ugh but profoundly
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life