[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping