*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
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I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
#TopTip
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
had to make it
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…