picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste