@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

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@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

@JayMindX

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

@CCRuns

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

@PHDaniel_Street

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

@MoneypennyNaked

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

@stephenjmolloy

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

@hipstermermaid

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”