picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth