Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her