Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.