Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
🤣🤣
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”