Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
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Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Worth a try
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.