Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣