Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
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everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.