PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
where the womens at?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?