Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
You Might Also Like
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.