Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
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I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay