PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)