Pigeon open mic night.
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guilty
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Truth
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…