Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
You Might Also Like
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS