Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Discuss
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect