Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question