Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time