I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You Might Also Like
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.