Pikachu found the lost joint
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“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family