@Kantohttp

Pikachu found the lost joint

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@AbbyHasIssues

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@johnroderick

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

@ddsmidt

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

@midnightwhale

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@Jeffwni

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

@noog

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

@ericsshadow

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

@DaddyJew

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

@DebraTheWigLady

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

@1Happytwit

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.