pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
When someone says you are so lazy
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.