@OakHill_

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

@BuddWest

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

@BigJDubz

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

@AlexEllisdon

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

@WittySassBasket

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

@Sultani_Sails

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

@ShittingtonUK

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?