Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.


Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.


Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?


If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG


I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.


My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*


Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.


The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.


Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?