Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
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Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
awkward
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!