@LoveNLunchmeat Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
@OakHill_ Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
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@LoveNLunchmeat 
@BuddWest Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
@BigJDubz Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
@AlexEllisdon If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
@WittySassBasket I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
@XplodingUnicorn My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
@Sultani_Sails Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
@ShittingtonUK The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
@OIDontGiveAFuck Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
@Randazzoj Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?