PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Only a mother’s love …
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.