Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
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Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands