Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.