PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
You Might Also Like
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Simple
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D