[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.