Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
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If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
That earthquake could have been an email.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Girl, same.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane: