pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
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I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog