PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

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I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.


And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.


Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind


Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.


I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.


Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47


driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself


I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.


one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries