Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
You Might Also Like
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.