PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[eulogy]
line?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.