Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
You Might Also Like
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”