Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]