PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Shoo shoo! 😂
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.