PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
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Cheers Twitter.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
The happy life.. 😊
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous