PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
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I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.