PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
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I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me: