pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him