piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.