Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
😅😅😅
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens