pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
You Might Also Like
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating