pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
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If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Going to church you guys need anything
Every. Damn. Time.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent