Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
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-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?