pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
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ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror