pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
You Might Also Like
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.