Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Sooo many times…..
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.